When the protective parent becomes the scapegoat.
Parental alienation isn’t typically raised at the start of a custody case. It shows up later, when the non-preferred parent senses they’re losing control. When the child resists contact. When boundaries are enforced. Suddenly, the narrative shifts: the child has been brainwashed, and the protective parent is to blame.
These claims aren’t about the child’s well-being. They’re about the accusing parent’s fear of losing power.
In our experience, false or exaggerated claims of alienation tend to surface when the non-preferred parent:
- Has a history of emotional volatility, coercive control, or psychological abuse;
- Sees the child beginning to bond more closely with the protective parent;
- Is threatened by the child’s autonomy or attachment shift;
- Refuses accountability and redirects blame to preserve control.
The psychology underneath these allegations is often rooted in entitlement and a distorted self-perception of being the victim. The accusing parent cannot tolerate being rejected by the child, so they rewrite the narrative to fall in line with their perception that they are being victimized by the preferred parent. “It’s not a rational framework. It’s an emotional distortion, one that casts the non-preferred parent as the victim, and the protective parent as the villain.
These claims are emotionally compelling, especially to evaluators and judges who want to preserve relationships between both parents and children. But when the court fails to ask why a child is resisting contact, it risks mislabeling survival behavior as manipulation. [Faller & Dragiewicz, 2020; Meier, 2020]
The Distorted Victim Narrative: When Control Disguises Itself as Hurt
One of the most common dynamics we see in high-conflict divorce and custody litigation is an abusive parent who insists they are the true victim. They act devastated, but not because they are losing their family, but because they are losing control over their family.
This is performative victimhood designed to regain control.
As Lundy Bancroft explains in Why Does He Do That?, abusive and controlling individuals often recast themselves as the harmed party not because they are confused, but because it works. It protects their self-image. It deflects blame. And in family court, it grants them immediate credibility.
When the child resists contact, the story becomes: “She turned the child against me.”
When boundaries are enforced, the story becomes: “He’s keeping me from my family.”
When the abuse is named, the story becomes: “She’s lying to get custody.”
None of this is accidental. Bancroft’s work shows that this type of reactive narrative stems from deep entitlement and a refusal to relinquish control. The distorted victim narrative is not an emotional breakdown. It is a strategic reframe that centers the abuser as the victim and sidelines the protective parent.
We see this come up in court:
- Allegations of alienation with no substantiating evidence;
- Allegations of “mutual abuse” when only the alleging party shows a consistent pattern of coercion;
- Repetitive and unfounded demands for therapy, custody reversals, or sanctions against the protective parent.
And we see courts respond with:
- Equal blame assignments;
- Mandated reunification therapy with unqualified providers;
- Court orders that erase context in the name of neutrality.
When The Abuser Is Actually Alienating A Child
On the flip side, we do represent many parents who are experiencing the children actively being manipulated against them by the abusive spouse. This often happens when the abusive or mentally unstable parent begins to undermine the child’s bond with the other parent. This undermining is incredibly subtle, and may not even be recognized by the manipulating parent or the child. It is incredibly hard to establish this type of behavior, and even harder to reverse it once this trend has been established.
Often, the underlying dynamic in this type of manipulation falls on the dynamics of the parents. Ironically, the emotionally safe parent often becomes the ‘out parent’ not because they did anything wrong, but because their love is unconditional, while the abusive parent’s affection comes with terms. Common behavior we see include:
- Triangulating a child against the other parent by suggesting that the other parent is unstable, incapable of meeting the child’s needs, or has a mental health issue;
- Asking the child to contact the manipulative parent to “check in” when the child is anxious, implying that only the manipulative parent is capable of soothing the child;
- Constant check ins with the child while at the other parent’s house to “make sure they are ok”, suggesting that the child might somehow not be safe with the other parent;
One if the most significant issues that arise in this type of dynamic is putting the child in the role of a caretaker of the manipulative parent’s emotions. Though the child often does feel safe and affectionate with the other parent, the conditional nature of the manipulative parent’s affection means the child either creates issues to “side” with the manipulative parent, or withdraws completely from the safe parent to avoid anxiety.
Very often, children resort to self-harm or begin experiencing severe mental health issues due to this dynamic. Very few Courts understand this dynamic; very few therapists recognize this. This dynamic is the flip side of the false alienation claim.
How to Protect Yourself Against Alienation Claims – Actual or Perceived.
Alienation claims rely on repetition, distortion and burying the actual issues under an avalanche of false allegations. Your credibility and consistency are your best defense.
At Hart Ginney, we position our clients to:
1. Document the full parenting history
Develop a clear timeline of events, behavior patterns, and exchanges. Not just the incident that triggered the alienation claim, but everything leading up to it. Show the court what’s been happening outside the courtroom. [Saunders & Faller, 2016]
2. Avoid reactive behavior
Alienation claims thrive on provocation. A single angry text, emotional email, or visible frustration can be pulled into the narrative. Respond with discipline, not defensiveness. [Meier et al., 2019]
3. Bring in the right experts
Retain experts who understand the difference between manipulation and fear-based resistance. Challenge evaluator reports that rely on outdated alienation models or ignore family violence screening protocols. [Saunders et al., 2017; Saini et al., 2025]
4. Reframe the child’s behavior
Children don’t reject a parent without a reason. Help the court understand the child’s behavior as a survival response to past harm, not the result of coaching or collusion. [Children’s Testimony, 2018; Meier & Dickson, 2022]
5. Establish a clear position from day one
You don’t have to wait for the alienation claim to show up. If your child is resisting contact for legitimate reasons, anchor the narrative early and often. Reunification efforts could be futile with an untrained or inexperienced therapist. [UNHRC, 2023]
This is not neutral ground
The court will often try to stay neutral. You can’t.
When alienation claims are raised against protective parents, neutrality becomes complicity. Children are ordered into unsafe contact. Protective parents are silenced. Coercive narratives take root.
If you’ve been accused of alienation while trying to protect your child, you are not alone. And you are not defenseless. But this is no ordinary divorce, and you need an extraordinary attorney.
Citations
- Faller, K. C., & Dragiewicz, M. (2020). Parental Alienation: Debates and Implications for Family Court Practice. Family Court Review, 58(2), 223–239.
- Meier, J. S. (2020). U.S. child custody outcomes in cases involving parental alienation and abuse allegations. GWU Law Faculty Publications & Other Works, Paper 1444.
- Meier, J. S., & Dickson, A. (2022). The Trouble with Harman and Lorandos’ Parental Alienation Allegations in Family Court Study. Journal of Family Trauma, Child Custody & Child Development, 19(2).
- Saunders, D. G., & Faller, K. C. (2016). The need to carefully screen for family violence when parental alienation is claimed. Family Court Review, 54(4), 435–448.
- Saunders, D. G., Faller, K. C., & Tolman, R. M. (2017). Evaluating the Evaluators: Research-Based Guidance for Attorneys. Michigan Family Law Journal, March/April issue.
- Saini, M., Johnston, J. R., & Bala, N. (2025). Research Updates in High-Conflict Custody Cases. [Internal Research Summary]
- United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC). (2023). Custody, violence against women and violence against children: Report of the Special Rapporteur on violence against women and girls, its causes and consequences.
- Fontes, L. A., & Cocchiola, C. (2022). It’s Post-Separation Legal Abuse, Not High-Conflict Divorce. Psychology Today.
- Jaffe, P. G., Crooks, C. V., & Bala, N. (2005). Making Appropriate Parenting Arrangements in Family Violence Cases. Department of Justice Canada.
- Children’s Testimony (2018). When Children’s Testimonies Are Used As Evidence. Journal of Child Custody