One of the most common dynamics we see in high-conflict divorce and custody litigation is an abusive parent who insists they are the true victim. They act devastated, but not because they are losing their family, but because they are losing control over their family.
This is performative victimhood designed to regain control.
As Lundy Bancroft explains in Why Does He Do That?, abusive and controlling individuals often recast themselves as the harmed party not because they are confused, but because it works. It protects their self-image. It deflects blame. And in family court, it grants them immediate credibility.
When the child resists contact, the story becomes: “She turned the child against me.”
When boundaries are enforced, the story becomes: “He’s keeping me from my family.”
When the abuse is named, the story becomes: “She’s lying to get custody.”
None of this is accidental. Bancroft’s work shows that this type of reactive narrative stems from deep entitlement and a refusal to relinquish control. The distorted victim narrative is not an emotional breakdown. It is a strategic reframe that centers the abuser as the victim and sidelines the protective parent.
We see this come up in court:
- Allegations of alienation with no substantiating evidence;
- Allegations of “mutual abuse” when only the alleging party shows a consistent pattern of coercion;
- Repetitive and unfounded demands for therapy, custody reversals, or sanctions against the protective parent.
And we see courts respond with:
- Equal blame assignments;
- Mandated reunification therapy with unqualified providers;
- Court orders that erase context in the name of neutrality.
When The Abuser Is Actually Alienating A Child
On the flip side, we do represent many parents who are experiencing the children actively being manipulated against them by the abusive spouse. This often happens when the abusive or mentally unstable parent begins to undermine the child’s bond with the other parent. This undermining is incredibly subtle, and may not even be recognized by the manipulating parent or the child. It is incredibly hard to establish this type of behavior, and even harder to reverse it once this trend has been established.
Often, the underlying dynamic in this type of manipulation falls on the dynamics of the parents. Ironically, the emotionally safe parent often becomes the ‘out parent’ not because they did anything wrong, but because their love is unconditional, while the abusive parent’s affection comes with terms. Common behavior we see include:
- Triangulating a child against the other parent by suggesting that the other parent is unstable, incapable of meeting the child’s needs, or has a mental health issue;
- Asking the child to contact the manipulative parent to “check in” when the child is anxious, implying that only the manipulative parent is capable of soothing the child;
- Constant check ins with the child while at the other parent’s house to “make sure they are ok”, suggesting that the child might somehow not be safe with the other parent;
One if the most significant issues that arise in this type of dynamic is putting the child in the role of a caretaker of the manipulative parent’s emotions. Though the child often does feel safe and affectionate with the other parent, the conditional nature of the manipulative parent’s affection means the child either creates issues to “side” with the manipulative parent, or withdraws completely from the safe parent to avoid anxiety.
Very often, children resort to self-harm or begin experiencing severe mental health issues due to this dynamic. Very few Courts understand this dynamic; very few therapists recognize this. This dynamic is the flip side of the false alienation claim.